I have noticed that a high-fat diet, particularly high - Omega 3s, is very good for calming the mind.  Mineral supplements like bone meal and magnesium-rich healing clays are also very good for calming and focusing your attention.  Carbs and fruits are generally not good for calming your brain down, in my experience.

ck and others,

I know very little of bone meal and healing clays and don't recall much discussion on them here, but I am willing to look at pretty much anything to help me out so thanks. Right now, I am going to focus on simply changing my diet and working my anxiety book daily. I have a type of perfectionist attitude that is constantly worrying about employing enough methods the right way for anything to work. This usually stops me from even attempting to get involved or even started on a project as it seems so overwhelming and so focusing on just doing a couple things right a day is my main goal right now.

J,

I am also trying to listen to my mind as much as possible so that I can break down the thoughts and feelings that have convoluted my actions so much so in the past. Removing poker and alcohol have brought on a great deal of clarity and I'm more easily able to detect the channels of thought developing and thus am starting to develop strategies (thanks to the book) to counter the negative and illogical conclusions with more reasoned and realistic ones. The socratic method of questioning goes a long way here.

I'm glad you brought that radical honesty website up. In rehab, we called it "rigorous honesty", where it was vitally important to the group's progress to speak up when you saw something go astray. For me this is especially true and where lots of my anger comes from. I withold my true feelings quite a bit and get worried about what people think of me and this consequently has me thinking in my head about the past much more than I would like. Drugs like adderal remove the bariers in my mind quite rapidly and I'm able to function as well as I would like. Going zc last year did just about the same thing which was fantastic. I love the feeling of being able to speak freely and not worry about what I have to say. I'm slowly getting better and yesterday I had a great convesation over the phone where I was in good form connecting very well throughout. This is hopefully going to be a central theme in my journal, being rigorously honest with myself and to this forum.

My fragile mind is still working hard to keep its defenses up. I've attempted to describe how my inner workings but have yet to delve into many specifics. Yesterday, I was involved in a thread that put me in a rather excited emotional state which I will describe below and hopefully show how quickly I can disconnect from reality. These are my feelings and thoughts as they are. My mood swings are still rather vicious and I can go range from over-inflated self-confidence to wild insecurity in a short time frame.  

This also goes well with being rigorously honest as I've posted above. I will try very hard to focus on my thoughts and my feelings and avoid verbal abuse. The comment was made my William but the comments I make below are solely for me not for him.


This one remark infurtiated me instantaneously. The pain from being outright told that I am wrong and this case implied that I had insane thinking deeply hurt. I don't acutally exaggerate my feelings (or at least I try hard not to) but do use other methods such as filtering out the positive remarks to focus on the sole negative ones to ensure that the critic/perfectionist in me has been fed.

I also feel quite worthless when I'm put down like this. It feels like everything I wrote is completely wrong and useless.  Ever since reading through my anger book last year I try and not directly put people on the defensive, which is how I felt this comment to be about. It seemed like a jab for nonthing else but to make me feel bad about what I've said. I try hard to never make an argument like this and if I disagree with someone I at least like to point out parts of the post I agree with first before making my point. And when making a point I would like to think that I am not attacking either but simply asserting myself properly.  If you guys have noticed, PPhil makes his arguments like this, which I greatly respect him for. I've never seen him outright put down anyone down even after hes been personally attacked.

My insecure mind wants to fight back so badly and make a vicious, brutal, mostly ad-hominen attack saying how much better I am at everything. Yes, that will show'em. Message boards have generally been a source of anger for me. They are night and day compared to real life and something I have yet to come to terms with. My friends and I jab each other all the time but it seems so different here. The posts are so permanent.

I love reading threads, spend countless hours rumaging through them, but rarely post. It seems like the few times I post I get offended quickly. I expect people to be nicer and I expect people to enjoy what I post. In the past I've mulled over things on different message boards for days, sometimes weeks at a time after the posts have been made. I couldn't get over how defeated I felt. It felt like it was just a game to see who could make me feel the worst. I hope the reason we post is to uplift the community to a better and brighter understanding of the world around us not to get pleasure from belittling others.

So, those are kind of my rambling thoughts that spur out of control quickly when I feel a perceived threat. Now to break them down. Since I automatically filter out good comments, I did so immediately because the poster below stated that he agreed with what I said. This should give me evidence that not everyone will think I am insane. I also stated that this was a "crack-pot" theory so expecting not to have everyone agree is very unreasonable.

Its also a reasonable expectation to know that on message boards people will not have the same philosophy about how and why to post as mine.  The detection of tone is not easily apparent and the entire meaning of the post could change because of a lack of this. This is an online message board after all and perhaps I am taking things too serious.

Even if I continue to have my posts put down in the future, I am by no means irrevocably damaged. Virtually no one treats me like they do on message boards in real life. Its also helpful for me to examine what I wrote to see if I can get my points across in a way which promotes more healthy discussion rather than inviting anger which I was probably good at in the past.

I am confidnt that I would more appropriately handle my emotions if a discussion similar to this were to take place in real life where I could look the person in the eye and have a much better perception on the situation. The unknown factors and the distant feel of the communication make it hard for me to contain my anxiety for now.

So these are my immediate thoughts. After I left the computer I started feeling better quickly but while sitting in front reading, the waterfall of emotions hit me hard rendering me trapped in my emotions.

I'd appreciate any constructive criticism.

Having a mental position to defend (that of the ego) arises from a false sense of self (as divided from everything else) - namely, the ego's perpetuation either from pleasure or pain. The ego as a pathological entity in evolving consciousness feeds either on pleasure or pain - ultimately division/conflict. Transcend the ego and realise that it's not you - the true self is the quieter voice, which you can allow to arise simply by observing the ego's monologues/dialogues/trialogues in a non-judgemental manner (that way, you're observing as a separate consciousness to the ego modality).

The ego dies when there is no conflict/division, so as soon as there is no mental position to defend, the true consciousness has become manifest (transcending the ego, or the "little me").

Where ego consciousness takes offence (seeks further conflict), the transcended consciousness merely laughs (of course, there could be no other reaction).

With this kind of evolved consciousness, actions like "taking offence" become completely futile and ultimately constitute a resistance of reality as it unfolds/manifests. Better to be the playful consciousness, like most children up to a certain age ('til the point of becoming jaded)...

William,

I very much appreciate the apology and subsequent further details of your character. I have read a lot of what you posted previously and have admired your intellect, reasoning and humor as an observer. Unfortunately I am still sensitive to percieved threats and put up my walls very quick. When the walls are up, I become vulnerable and have a hard time managing my emotions.

I had some sort of breakthrough today that I think can help explain my thinking. I am back at home in Texas now, spending time at my parents house before heading off to Florida to help work at my aunt's school. Since giving up poker, I have resumed my research into paleo dieting taking up quite a bit of the time that I had invested in poker. My dad came up to me in the middle of some blog reading to remind me about needing to go to a gambling anonymous meeting tonight. I immediately flipped out and told him no several times while trying to remain concious to the screen.  I got angry very fast, panicking as well and assuring him I would take no part of it.

Luckily, a good friend of mine called, which gave me a chance to talk things through. At first I didn't even want to talk to her and was getting annoyed but then I somehow realized that I needed to get away from the computer for there to be a fair conversation between us. As soon as I left the hot seat I felt my body start to calm down. I was still very angry but having the opportunity to concentrate solely on my feelings instead of both them and the blog made them much easier to deal with

I surmised that the research I was doing was very similar to that of the poker playing. I was almost addicted to feeding my brain with more and more research. The computer was mine and my dad was intruding my space. I was attached to my research, much like a dog is to his bone, I had no intentions of letting go. When my dad lectured me on needing to go to the GA meeting(which I atually ended up going to) I percieved this as a threat to my existence and countered with what I have always done, and that is to get angry.

Through my reading and rehab experience, it seems that there are certain channels in my brain that will automatically move my thoughts to final outcomes. Its as if I am preprogrammed to move down a conveyer belt without any chance of being able to turn around.  The rational part of my brain is shut off from getting involved and so I continually get shuttled down the same path. There was no inbetween for me. I've conditioned myself to remain quiet, not speaking up for myself until its too late and then I respond with anger. I never spoke up as a child, rarely being assertive, holding back my true opinions even if that meant I was being hurt. I didn't let myself have much rights as a human. I don't have another outlet or option right now.

Hopefully, I can train myself from here to be better able to observe these channels of thought and respond to them more positively. I had a great, eloquent conversation with my friend and was proud of my logical connections that I made and feel more confident about the future. I know I will catch myself with my reptilian brain taking over leading me to anger but I should be able to deal with it easier.

BBQ,

Great post, and this exactly what I am trying to do - observe/transcend my ego and observe it with the more logical, rational parts of my brain. And yes I feel my concious evolving and improving, especially tonight.

Also, I have began to more stringely implement a diet. I've only had one piece of kiwi today to go with a large strip steak, a couple eggs and some cheese. Not sure how close I will go to 0 carbs but it should average under 50g day and most likely will go to 0. I will move to grass-fed beef at the beginning of the new year.