Sorry, was from before the intrenet. Veggy oils are made of evil cereal grains anyway. Forbidden to us.

Still riding the wave out, lots of ups and downs, bouts of fatigue and depression seem to hit me everyday. I still get hungry quite often and almost feel hypoglycemic some mornings but this feeling usually passes on its own. I ate quite a good amount of fat this last week and gained some weight, looks to be all belly fat, so fat intake should not be too big a factor.
I haven't produced a turd on my own in about a week I think. I've used milk of magnesia twice now which lead me to pooping in 20 minutes the first time and about 5 the second. Not sure if its capable of working that fast but thats what happened.

I think I realized something important today, or rerealizing, that I am responsible for making myself feel so bad. Its as though I try my hardest to make sure that I feel bad regardless of the event. I will find whatever I can to put myself down. Pick out the aspects of myself that I think I am failing at and focus on those. I'm very self critical, always have been and its like I make sure I keep myself from succeeding. I look at how eloquent and detailed the posts that others make here and feel so unintelligent. I question my control of the english language.

I've been researching health and diet for the past year and half and feel that I can hardly remember anything I read. I have 100's of links saved, I've read GCBC twice, took 30 pages of notes on it. I even started studying for the mcat, not to go to med school, only so that I could better learn the sciences tested. The information I read all feels so fleeting, like I can't hold onto it like everyone else. . Perhaps this is part of the depression. I'm stuck in my reptillian mind, unable to use the vast space of the frontal cortex. I just feel dumb and feel it comes across in my posts.

I've always done very well on standardized tests that test math skills but generally pretty horrible at reading comprehension. I'm just confused at my own intelligence and get quite down when I can't figure out whats going on. I forget what I read so easily and have such a tough time explaining to others what I've read.

What I am proud of is a good general sense of whats right and wrong. I'm pretty poor at dispensing information to others but I always feel like I know whats right. This sort of intuitive feel is great for poker and gambling in general and carried me a long way there.

First the bad news - I had a painful elimination yesterday morning in which I bled for the first time since I started my low carb journey 18 months ago. Several hours later in the evening I tried to go again and took a bunch of milk of magnesia but this time the pain was worse and extremely uncomfortable and had me cursing myself in the bathroom. Standing upright seemed to make the pain go away and it eventually did but it wasn't fun.

So, I'm confused again. I still get hungry quite often and feel I could eat almost continuosly throughout the day if I had to. I really thought I was eating enough fat but perhaps not. I still have no clue as to the macronutrient ratio I am eating. I'm going to really up the fat this time, unfortunately its not going to be grass-fed since I can't find it easily over here. I should be getting lots of marrow today.

After this fat trial run I will be adding in some greens. I'm really craving a greek salad about now.

Good news- I went to a local farm about 90 minutes from here and picked up 20 pounds of beef(all  they had). It was pretty neat, the farmer and his wife and his three girls, with the women dressed up in what looked like traditional early 20th century farming attire with long plain jeanish skirts with their hair in these buns. Looked almost amish. They were really nice and come into town once a week, so hopefully I can get some fat from them in the future. Also the beef I got wasn't frozen to the extremes of slankers and shold be cheaper as well. I'm going to try some of their home-made kefir soon as well.

Also, I might try fasting until the evening to eat. This actually worked well for me when I was travelling this summer and I was eating pretty high-carb cooked iet. For some reason I can't seem to go past noon now without really needing some food. I always take some food to lunch so maybe I' just won't this next week. I'm astill lifting and being active as much as I can which may further contribute to my hunger.

Lol, carb addiction.  My dad came to town and had won a 2-day cruise the bahamas for two and so we went. I had eaten a avacado and tomato salad the day before and so on the cruise I decided to ditch my 8 weeks of near raw paleo perfection. Both day I fasted the entire day, save for a bit of marrow mid-day and ate my insulin's content for dinner. I had 3 cooked prime ribs the first night with a good bit of veggies and salads and fruit. The second night I extended my carb intake and had potatoes and even a bit of cake though still lots of beef.

I came home, fasted again the entire day and feasted with my family this time eating some coconut cake and ice cream. The overhwelming euphoria from this feeding almost felt like I really needed it, almost necessary. I can't remember cake tasting so good. I stuffed myself three nights in a row but have now fasted 4 days in a row. I even tried some raw honey with the comb and it too tasted magnificent. I even dipped my raw meat in the honey...gahhh...so good. The cooked carbs are so powerful.

I started doing a little math with regards to the fat/protein ratio I was consuming and I think I could have been severely malnourishing myself. I couldn't information from slankers about the nutrient profile. I actually sent them a kind request and got a borderline rude/hopeless answer but grass fed bottom round is about 3% fat so even if slankers chuck is 10% fat it will give me around 20g protein and 10g fat for every 100g or just about 50/50 ratio of protein to fat. If I was eating an average of 1.5 kg of meat a day this would lead to about 300g protein and 150g fat which is entirely way too much protein. These numbers are just made up and likely to be far off but perhaps somewhere in the ballpark.  This could easily be contributing to my poor results so far.

So, I've decided to reset my program a bit and really up the fat to the necessary 70-80% range. Thankfully slankers has some fat/suet available and I ordered 8lbs of it plus 25 pounds of bone marrow along with beef ribs, lamb shoulder, 4 beef hearts some liver, and a kidney. Some quick math estimates this order at around 60,000 total calories with at least 45000 coming from fat so a good 3:1 ratio. I'll be eating fruit and veggies, honey and dairy as well. I get cold quickly which is something that didn't happen last time as well so I'm really hoping it was carelessness with the amount of fat that was the problem.  Eating organs + fat is really cheap as well. This order will be 60% less than the last one and perhaps more calories as well.

Also, no side effects from eating the cooked meat and carbs. Had a really nasty elimination and am no longer constipated. I feel pretty energetic and refreshed and mentally confident and in general hopeful for the future. I'm going to be adding daily meditation soon as well.

See rawlion's post, that he felt cold on fat until he tried butter instead.

I got high for a whole day after an evening meal that included 1/2 cup dry of sticky rice. I don't know what the biochemistry is doing, so fear it.